Friday, 27 November 2009

Right, thats it, I've had enough of pointless arguing

Well I'm about to have a right old rant, time for me to say things I probably should have said a long time ago and time to admit things I have never told anyone. All cos of some real stinking attitudes of some people who where supposed to be friends.
There has been some arguments between some friends over a few differences of opinions. I know people have opinions that we may not like, opinions are like arseholes, we all have one and they do cause alot of shit. But usually friends can get past that, I know friends will have an opinion I hate, I'll rant about it, then I get over it. I might have got all stupid over shit like that in the past but I realised how stupid I was being and give myself a kick up the arse and got over it and left it at that. Seems there is people who can't do that and they go on and on and on and on and on after they have blocked and deleted the person who they where having the difference in opinion with. GAH! Funny the same thing seems to happen round about the same time every year, sometimes with the same people, sometimes with different people.
Maybe I should blame this time of year, the usual Shitmas turns people into cunts... who knows??
I just usual ignore the arguments between friends because both sides are my friends and am not gonna agree with any of them.
Well another argument has blown up again, this time its got beyond annoying. A comment was made by a friend about another friends comments and maybe this friend could have been the bigger person and walked away from it but nope they bit and it just erupted from there. Now its turned into self
righteous rants on BOTH sides. YES ON BOTH SIDES I know I've had them kinda rants meself and it would have been better if just one had backed down and said whatever have ya opinion but nope, its got out of control now. This time I've been dragged right in and been blocked and deleted by people I thought where friends.
Get this... I read that some of us use depression as an excuse for the odd rant..... hmmmm
So now I've decided I should let people in on how ill I actually am. Its not something I talk about easy. Some things not even my closest friends and family know but I'll tell you now that the happy alot thing you see on Facebook is a front most of the time, I really don't want people to get too worried and I just don't wanna bore people.
I do have depression, I've been suffering since I was about 13. Somehow I managed to cope, I went through college with it and had a job until just one day I couldn't leave the house. The panic attacks which have only really been mild started to get massive to the point of screaming. At first I didn't want to admit there was something bad going on there so I started to self-medicate with alcohol though I know fine well that does not help in any way. The drunk feeling gave me a false happy and they of course you lose that when you sober up and so I kept drinking to keep that happy there. I ended up an alcoholic. Was out of my mind every night on one form of drink or another. Took me months to finally admit I had a problem and I finally went for some help. I did self harm too. I keep the scars well hidden and if they do show up on a photo of me I photoshop them out. I can shake so much because of anxiety that I can't even make a cup of tea without hurting myself bad by spilling hot water all over myself. The doctor put me on medication and sent me to
counselling which I have been in and out of ever since. I've had to be on suicide watch several times too. The meds have been changed and adjusted to finally find one thats keeping me mildly stable. I'm on a massive amount at the moment and I had been starting to get some kind of life back together, like going to gigs, the odd night out and a party or two but I can't go to any of these on my own, I have to have someone with me. I still have panic attacks just thinking about leaving the house on my own. I can't even go to the shop without someone with me. Only thing I can do is walk the dogs, cos I kinda do have someone with me there. I've been told by my docs and my councillor that I may never get better and if I'm going too its not going to be over night and might never be completely. It may just be the right combination of medication to get me back on my feet. I would love to get back on my feet thats why I'm in contact with the jobcentre every 3 or 4 weeks for courses I can do at home, things to read that will help and any advice they can give. I'm at the docs for checkups regular and have to see the councillor regular too and I try to follow my doctors and councillors advice and try to have fun with my friends and try to get out more even if its just a walk in the woods because having fun is the best therapy every. The shakes have never really gone away, they are just sometimes less, sometimes more. But... every now and again I fall back. I start to relapse with the alcoholism and I'm told time and time again by the docs and the councillor just to try to stop drinking but I'm finding that very very hard. I should exercise every day but all I want to do sometimes is sleep, exercise is good therapy too. I get days I eat too much and I get days I don't eat at all. I need to lose weight I know and I know that will help too. Its all easier said than done at times. I'm back on suicide watch and I fucking hate feeling that way. I'm going through another rough patch and as usual I try not to show any of it.

Think of me what the fuck you like after reading this. If I'm attention seeking, fine am attention seeking. Just remember I haven't spoken about much of this. And to say people use depression as an excuse is showing you really know nothing about depression at all. It effects everyone in different ways. Yes some people can have it and get on with everything fine, and there those who have it way worse than me. I accept that. I don't know everything about mental illnesses and I've studied them. No one knows everything about it, even my councillor will tell you that. And to those who are agreeing with the using depression as an excuse who say they have it, yes there is people who do, but you should know better yourself. What if it was you people where saying this about and others who don't even know you are agreeing?? Think about that.
I fully admit I can be a shitty person, most the time I'm not well, sometimes I just can't be arsed but at least I can admit I can be an asshole. I fucking hate myself, I don't think am good looking, I know am fat and really I don't care. Its who I am and I got over that fact a long time ago.
I've had enough of all the pettiness and arguing now. If you are all gonna do that, keep it in private ffs. Don't like what I gotta say, you don't have to read what I put. Really don't like it, delete me and block me and call me a fat attention seeking whore if you like. Maybe I fucking am.
I'll say now don't come back to me if you have done that being all nice, I may not be nice back.

Great now I wanna get rat arsed and forget all this.


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