End of the world??

World to end in Saturday,click to read

they got it wrong, the world will end in a zombie apocalypse on 23rd July 2015,its true I got that by working out the code in Harry Potter

The Geordie Thermometer

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it’s worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over……….Sunderland qualify for Europe.

Giggles.... Part 4

Bored yet again so here is something else for a giggle.....

Doggie Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.


SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your owner comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Giggles.... Part 3

Here ya go, something else funny.....

Chilli Contest
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

>Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

Giggles.... Part 1

Little bored so having a read through some things that made me giggle. Here is one to start ya off .....

Ladies of Days Gone By

Ladies of days gone by:

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Women of today:

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

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Ladies of days gone by:

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Women of today:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

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Ladies of days gone by:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Women of today:

Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Ladies of days gone by:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Women of today:

Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

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Ladies of days gone by:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Women of today:

Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

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Ladies of days gone by:

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Women of today:

Go ask the very cute neighbour guy to do it.

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And finally the most important tip....

Ladies of days gone by:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Women of today:

Leftover wine???